I spent the first few years of my adult life trying desperately to collect ‘proper relationships.’ I wanted to be made real by a real love, made whole by proximity to the kind of romances that I’d seen on the telly. In fact, my early relationships were a bit of a write off. Am I grateful for them? Some. But several were disastrous, the stuff of very bad art, long and repetitive conversations with my patient pals and some truly unreadable personal essays. All of which to say, I understand the lure of ticking off early relationships, to get it done, to join the pool of the lovers and the losers. But I also know the reality of that adolescent quest: poor decisions, a lot of pain and often very little in the way of teachable moments.
Let’s put this all in perspective. The dating pool is – and has always been – full of people of every single age looking for love, and if you’re a person who hasn’t yet begun their romantic journey, you’re hardly an odd duck. And frankly, if someone can lose a partner in their 60s and return to dating, or be shattered by a shitebag spouse and get back in the saddle then you can certainly find love with the added “baggage” of not having yet had a relationship.
I’m 31 now, and I know so many people who didn’t have a serious relationship until their 30s or later. I know others who still have not had a serious relationship, some who are simply not interested and others who remain on the quest. I say this not to freak you out, but to remind you that you’re not in a bizarre, small or doomed group. There is no one way to live on earth, though much is suggested otherwise. We’re encouraged to collect a string of medium to long monogamous relationships through our teens and twenties before settling down at age 28 to 30 with a £30,000 wedding and a shared home renovation account on Instagram. But there are so many other ways to be, so many diverging but equally excellent paths that can nonetheless deliver you to love and connection and long-term companion (if that is what you want).
I encourage honesty a lot in this column, not solely because it’s usually the most decent thing to do, but also because it makes for a far easier life. If you’ve never had a relationship, fudging the truth about your dating history would be a complete hassle, not to mention unfair to whoever you were lying to. It would involve inventing a fake ex and then telling tall tales about zoo trips, a difficult mother-in-law, a completely fictional break-up. Awful Mrs Doubtfire-esque nonsense that – despite being hilarious – I cannot condone.
There’s a lot to be said for entering the world of dating later, with a more fully formed pre-frontal cortex and a better idea of what you actually want
No, in the spirit of living a good and decent human life you will need to prepare yourself to say (confidently and without apology) “I’ve not had a serious relationship before” to the person that you’re on a date with. And even if it feels shameful, it won’t be shameful. This is neutral information about the course of your life that will only scare away people who aren’t ready to see you in your brilliant, flawed, human entirety. So, say this and in time say the rest, too, whatever that rest is. Maybe you’ve had feelings for people but never took it further, or the timing wasn’t right, or you’ve dated people over weeks or months but it didn’t become more serious, or you took a while to arrive at a place where you felt emotionally ready to date, or you were focusing on work and didn’t want to juggle your time poorly. If it’s true then it’s true and far better to make this known early and build from there.
It makes total sense if you’re nervous about getting dating “right” or worrying that your inexperience will translate to disaster and disappointment. However, I promise there will be enough that is instinctual or familiar about dating that will allow you to be your own guide through it. If you know what it is to have loving feelings, to be a friend, to listen, to console, to call someone back when you promised, to notice bad behaviour and push back against it, to ask questions, to buy someone a gift just because, to be respectful, to sit beside another person in the cinema – then you’re already on great footing for dating. Forget the Hollywood image of love for a second – a great relationship looks a lot like a great friendship. It’s about being good to one another, giving one another enough reasons to do this instead of not this.
There’s also a lot to be said for entering the world of dating later, with a more fully formed pre-frontal cortex and a better idea of what you actually want. So many of us enter and exit so-called serious relationships in adolescence without learning a thing, without listening to anything beyond our most base instincts. To face the reality of adult relationships with a clearer head and heart is often to leave less of a mess in your wake, and to avoid so many of the pitfalls of teenage flings. You’re allowed to feel that you missed out in some aspects, but do try not to elevate the experience beyond what it is for most of us: genuinely unnecessary.
In the meantime, do all that you can to live like it matters right now, because it does matter right now. As wonderful as a loving relationship will be, you won’t be entirely put together by one – so correct lingering feelings of emptiness and panicked anticipation. You are alive right now and are made no less alive by being a single person who has yet to date. Of course, you should still do all of the things that make a relationship possible – putting yourself out there, saying yes to group hangs and dates, using the apps as much as you can stand, reading columns like this one, smiling at people at parties, being in the world. You should do this because it’s where love begins, but also because it’s where life begins. Good luck.